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[May. 7th, 2009|01:43 am] |
I just realized that I haven't posted to my profile in a long time.
So what's new with me? Well my figure skating career is over. I know that sounds so trivial, but for me it's not. That sport meant everything to me, and now it's gone. The worst part is that I never lived up to my potential, because my body kept getting injured. Everyone always told me that I was going to be amazing and go to the Olympics...yet here I lay in my bed having only competed at one nationals. To have those dreams and the belief that you can be amazing and go far in your mind all your life, and then never accomplish/fulfill them is so hard to cope with. I want to cry, but I can't, because I have such resentment and love for these people that put the thoughts into my head. I want to give up on life, but I know I will be much worse off if I do that. I want to yell and scream and tell parents and coaches that it isn't ok to put these thoughts into young athletes' heads. i want to tell them that unless they know 100% that what they are telling us will happen to just shut the fuck up, because it just ends up doing more harm than good in the end. I want to be happy. I want to feel loved, and I want to look in the mirror and think "I'm ok". I want people to know my name. All of these wants are impossible dreams. I can't even speak to anyone about my issues, because I don't want to worry them. I just want to escape, but I can't. I want to be thin enough that someone actually cares and notices I have a problem. I want to be sent to a treatment facility-how sick am i? But I'm too fat for them to believe me, and I'm not good enough for anyone to notice. So I lay here everynight wishing and hoping that I'll find someone to talk to tomorrow, but it never happens. I'm all alone in this world, even though I'm surrounded by friends and family. I just want to get away from here and start over...I want to go back in time and never put a pair of skates on. I just want to go away... |
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| My Stats |
[Feb. 24th, 2007|04:05 am] |
Height: 5' 5"
CW: 130lbs
LW: 115lbs
GW1: 125lbs (Feb. 28)
GW2: 120lbs (March 31)
GW3: 115lbs (April 30)
GW4: 110lbs (July 1)
Right now I am so FUCKING FAT!!! I am completely disgusted with myself and I can't talk to anyone (like in person). I can't write in a journal, because my parents would find it, so this is my only outlet. I don't mind my stomach area, obviously it can lose some stuff but if it stays as it is i'd be okay with that. However, my ass and thighs are absolutely disgusting. I feel like cellulite sally and i want to throw up whenever i see myself naked in a mirror. I always tell myself that I'm never going to eat again, and then I end up bingeing even worse. Lately I can't control myself. I just eat whatever is in sight. I get scared that my metabolism is going to shut down, so I convince myself to keep eating, but I go way overboard. A month ago I was down to 118 and I was okay with that, but then I saw the Tyra Banks anorexia episode and thought wow its okay for me to eat. HOLY SHIT, i wish i had never seen that, because ever since then its just been eat eat eat. I used to love the feeling of having hunger pains, now I can't stand it and feel that I have to eat whenever I get them. As of right now I'm not eating any junk food or any bread until the end of lent. I need to be thin again. i can't live with myself like this. I feel disgusting, I hate myself for what I have done. Because of my recent fat pig eating habits I've been doing laxatives, but that does nothing, because I'm still absorbing all the calories. I NEED HELP...I have to get skinny...I have to get rid of my ass and fat fucking legs. I look at my mom and all her nasty cellulite and I think OMG that's happening to me...I have no boobs and no period becasue of my previous anorexic episodes. I just need to weigh 110lbs. I'm going to do everything in my power to acheive that goal by July 1. I have to be skin and bones by summer. |
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| What should I do? |
[Aug. 24th, 2006|06:43 pm] |
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Right now i weigh 127 but I want to get down to 110 (at least). How long should this take, and what should I do? I don't wan to completely stop eating, cuz i get headaches when I do that. Could someone with experience offer me some advice? |
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